We’ve all wondered how Emily Dickinson could write her poetry in near-complete solitude.

It’s less commonly known that even Emily sought an important reader, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, and once wrote him that he was “The Friend that saved my Life.”

The two only met twice, and Higginson is said to have told others that he never met anyone “who drained my nerve power so much.”

Yet they maintained a correspondence for 25 years until her death in 1886. She sent him almost a hundred poems, with their strange punctuation and power to penetrate the heart.

Higginson was famous as a man who hated capital punishment, child labor, laws depriving women of civil rights, and slavery. Emily was a radical in her heart and mind. Higginson was radical in his speeches and published writing and even took a little action. (For more on their fascinating story, read White Heat: The Friendship of Emily Dickinson and Thomas Wentworth Higginson, by Brenda Wineapple.)

So yes, even Emily Dickinson sought one person who could understand her.

For years I resisted blogging. I had been trained to think that one should allow the public to see only highly polished work. The idea back then was that you spent years, decades, honing your craft with a small circle of confidantes before you expected public attention. After all, no one expected audiences (other than friends and family) in their apprenticeship years as a violinist, ballerina, tennis player, or singer. Those are physical skills, which makes a difference. But writing depends on insight and insight comes with the years. It is also a technical skill.

For almost a decade, I rarely sought to publish, though I did give my work to loyal, responsive and insightful friends. I was also enormously lucky to have a mother who wrote and supported my ambitions. And I hired teachers, a short story writer and a poet, to read my work and meet with me one-on-one. When I did begin to send out my work, I had some success.

I am now a blogger, and like all bloggers, I’m excited to see my stats. Sometimes I get large numbers of “views”—unheard of numbers of potential readers judged by our pre-Internet standards.

But the real joy is in the one-on-one connections that can be made. If you hire me as your writing coach or editor, I will carefully copy-edit, line-edit, critique, or brainstorm with you. I hope to give you all the benefit of the compassion, insight and expertise others have shared with me. Meanwhile, I hope you will seek your artist family in literature, in writing groups, book groups and online.

That one-on-one connection can be with yourself. In my own life, the appreciation that has most surprised me has been my own–many years later. I read my stories and poems from years ago and feel comforted by the wisdom of that child. She knew me.

And that’s when I understand how Emily was able to go so long in near-solitude.

Writing is a form of love. Self-love and love of others, and as we see in other relationships, the two intermingle. We love ourselves through our love of others. We love others through our love of ourselves.

So yes, we write to be read. You too are one of those essential readers, a Friend who can save your Life.

The flow state of utter absorption comes from a balance of goal-seeking and ease.

For me, it happens when I’m doing yoga, dancing or writing. I feel vibrantly alive and content, satisfied that I’m being my best self.

I’m in the “flow,” a term coined more than 20 years ago by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Athletes use the phrase being in “the zone.”

A flow state is special, moments that come to most of us only once in a while. But you can have them more often by stretching yourself and mastering skills that use your personal strengths.

If you’re a writer, one reason to stay on a schedule is that it tends to help you get into “flow.” When I am writing a novel, I look forward to my next time at my work. I associate writing with a particular kind of relaxing, though I might write for hours at a stretch at the end of a long work-day in an office. Yes, it was that good! Sometimes. Often.

I’ve gotten into flow states while editing, rather than writing a first draft–in fact, it may happen more often because the goal of a polished paragraph or finding the perfect word seems within reach. I’ve even felt flow while copy-editing!

My friend Yvonne remembers feeling flow while practicing gymnastics at 12 years old. “I was by far the pudgiest girl on the gymnastics team and the least naturally talented, but I took classes and practiced every day,” she recalls. Her stepfather even made a gymnastics mat out of old scraps of foam so she could train at home. “I worked out on the homemade mat for hours upon hours until it was dark, not finishing until I got that side aerial and the back semi nailed,” says Yvonne. “Having a goal that stretches you, but is also doable—that is exhilarating. Nothing mattered except me and the acrobatics I was dead-set on doing.”

We emerge from flow happier, and with a stronger sense of identity. When Yvonne needs strength today, she recalls the determination she had at age 12 on that homemade gymnastics mat.

Flow isn’t only found in physical activities and favorite pastimes. Some people are lucky enough to get into the zone at work, making them more likely to both perform well and feel satisfied. My friend Rebecca loves teaching 3rd and 4th graders, especially when she tries new lesson plans that capture her—and her kids’—attention. When Rebecca is “in flow,” she says, the kids respond with more energy and enthusiasm. “At the end of the school day, I’m exhilarated,” she says.

A class of vibrant kids is a clear example of the feedback that aids flow. Think of it like feeding off of each other’s energy. Sometimes, however, the feedback is more subtle. My friend Steve, a composer, says that his feedback comes from the notations he’s making. He sees how his notes “turn into music,” on a day when things are flowing well.

“Most of us don’t have luxury of finding jobs and activities that exactly match our strengths,” says University of Michigan psychologist Christopher Peterson, Ph.D. The answer, he says, is to look for ways to bring your strengths—traits such as kindness or creativity—into your day.

Another strategy: If you’ve got a list of dull tasks to do, get creative by making up challenges for yourself that can help you get in the zone. For example, if you’re a blogger, limit the number of words in a post and see how creative you can get or dive into an engrossing topic you’ve never written about before. If you’re a chef—whether at a restaurant or for a hungry family—set out to create a dish without any butter or oil or with vegetables you’ve never tried before.

Gordon Lawrence, author of “Finding the Zone: A Whole New Way to Maximize Mental Potential,” traces flow states to the natural curiosity of babies, who become completely absorbed and delighted when exploring. Adults, like babies, are stimulated by novelty, but you’re most likely to experience flow as an adult when engaged in a skill in which you already have some mastery.

You are most likely to feel “in the flow” when you pursue clear goals that are challenging but within reach. You’ve found the sweet spot between boredom and frustration. As you go about the activity, you enter a feedback loop that gives you the information you need to get closer to your goal. You lose track of time and awareness of your own body and may even forget to eat or stay up into the wee hours of the night.

If you find that you’re not enjoying your writing time, try breaking down the job into smaller tasks. Make an outline and check off each section when you’re done. Resolve to write a particular passage of dialogue–and no more–by the end of the week. The key to experiencing flow is to choose a goal that’s both meaningful to you—and within reach. For you, that may be writing your book.

Because our culture emphasizes individuality and self-reliance so highly, we sometimes regard “advice” as an implication that the recipient is failing is some way. The assumption is that we’d all ideally do things without help.

The truth is that there are helpers behind every individual achievement and our culture thrives on collaboration and contact.

We tend to think of art especially as the product of one personality. But in the history of visual art, you’ll read about studios where great artists trained other people to work in their style and collectives of artists who spurred each other on, creating schools like the Impressionists. Folk music didn’t always come with names of singer-songwriters attached. Jazz is famously improvisational

When it comes to writing, as well, feedback can be essential. In my previous post, I give the example of The Great Gatsby, which F. Scott Fitzgerald edited dramatically after getting advice from his editor.

When it works, feedback is a grand gift. A person gives you the benefit of her life experience and personality, applying it directly to your task.

Good feedback will offer you solutions, or prompt you to see a problem, or see it differently so you can find your own.

Can you recall a time when you gave feedback and it was received gratefully? Were you relieved because you were afraid you hadn’t said things carefully enough?

We all know that sometimes people aren’t precise or articulate or tactful–but they may still be telling us what we need to hear. Or that feedback can come at the wrong time. The most successful people learn to hear it and store it up in a way that they can use when needed. Maybe advice-givers remind you of a pushy parent, sibling, or spouse who didn’t respect you. You’re losing too much if you let that history deprive you of the advantage of other people’s insights.

So go ahead and invest in yourself and seek the editing, copy-editing, critique, or second reading that could move you forward.

Writing is one area of life where you’ll be pushed up close to your capacity to seek and accept feedback. You’ll need to learn the art of taking useful feedback and discarding comments that lead you away from your goal. Writers need editors! Just as we all need mentors, teachers, and friends who tell us their truth.